i don’t think I realised how much I truly loved B until the day that he told me that he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay. Things that were said to me were like a slap in the face, they were a wake up call. I always had thought that I would walk away. Even if he had cheated, which I am very grateful he hasn’t, I still can’t imagine leaving. My heart is so consumed by this love for him that it is overwhelming.
When he told me that he feel ‘connected’ to ‘her’ I was hurt but I have come to realise that my trust in him hasn’t disappeared. I still trust him, but my brain can go into overdrive with negative thoughts at time but I have come to realise that I still have trust in him. B said he told me to prevent anything from happening, and I am so pleased that he did. I don’t always feel the most attractive at the moment especially as ‘her’ doesn’t have crap skin like me and is about 8 years younger than me. ‘Her’ has no children so won’t have a body like me, with my saggy skin and stretch marks littering my stomach, legs, boobs etc. I have lost just over a stone now and yes I need to do it for my health and because my surgeon wants me to lose weight. But I also want to do it for B, I am hoping that it will help my confidence and that he will continue to desire me. I think that seems quite desperate and I know that he wouldn’t stay with me because I have lost weight but I don’t want anyone else to look at my body in the way that he does. I only want him to desire me.
He has been banned from speaking to ‘her’ at work, this was not what I ever wanted. I have no problem with him speaking to her at work. What I desired was that he would choose to speak to her less outside of work. I feel like it will have the opposite effect, he will just resent this. In so many ways I wish that I did not work with B, don’t get me wrong I love working with him and seeing him everyday looking so hot is fantastic. But I despise the thought of people talking about our relationship and butting in at a point where it is not stable. I believe that we can get back there but it needs time and a steady approach.
How has life turned so upside down?
At the beginning of the year I was optimistic for the year ahead, now in May I just want it to end ASAP.
Since Easter my world has come crumbling down around me. I am trying to make positive steps but every time I try it comes across that I am not doing it for the right reason. I have managed to destroys B’s love for me through rejection that was never meant that way but I can totally see how it has destroyed him slowly overtime. That was never meant to be the case. I have been in love with this man almost since the day I met him. Over the last, almost, 15 years, I have fallen deeper in love with him with every step of our journey.
Our journey has not been easy, I have been plagued with mental health issues and health problems over my entire life. I have always suffered from anxiety and at times this has ruined things. Over the last few years I have suffered from PMDD, I did not know it at the time. I feel like my hormones have striped away the fun and bubbly me and left me a shell of who I once was. I am trying to change this but am struggling with the fact that what makes me a woman is likely to be taken away. The ‘feminine hormones’ that make me a woman turn me into a psycho for more than two weeks a year. I feel like a complete failure as a woman. I always thought that I was ok with a hysterectomy but now it scares me. What scares me even more is that if I lose B, I don’t think that I would be able to have it. I wouldn’t be able to support three girls while recovering. I could not do it without his support. He is my rock more so than anyone else has ever been. I don’t think that he realises how central he is to my existence.
I am really rubbish at telling him how much he means to me or showing how much he means to me. Feelings are not my strong point! I struggle to cope with my own and don’t always understand them in others. I honestly would do anything in the world to save my marriage. I would go to the ends of the earth and back, for someone who has always been terrified of confrontation, I refuse to run away from this. It can be saved and I will do everything in my power to give it my all.
How do you save something that you didn’t realise was crumbling? How could I have been so stupid?
What ever happens he is my true love, the father of my three beautiful girls and the man that drives me crazy.